"This person isn't acting appropriately."
"This person's behavior is unkind."
"This person doesn't act the way I would."
"This person isn't doing it well enough."
Underneath all those rationalizations, supporting why I'm right, why I'm better...
Underneath all the confirmation bias--the way I've carefully not seen certain facts, the way I've carefully selected only the information that supports my view...
Underneath all of just how right I am
was insecurity, was a self-esteem void. Missing was the sense of who I am in this world and why I need to live as fully as possible and why I deserve to live as fully as possible.
Missing, often, because I had outsourced it. I had put on someone else the responsibility to act rightly toward me. I put it on another to act kindly to me, to act uprightly, and to treat me with respect.
I'd excused myself from the responsibility of accepting life as fully as possible. Because I had put it on someone else, the rot and void needed me to feel and trust that I could act appropriately, that I could act kind to myself, that I could act with integrity, that I was doing it well enough.